POLITICALLY CORRECT STATEMENTS FOR THE 21st CENTURY

- Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage
restrictive."
- Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
- You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
- You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from
"rebellious follicle syndrome."
- No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
- You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."

AND FOR STUDENTS...

- The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenging."
- No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing
impaired."
- You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit
delayed."
- These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically
disinclined."
- Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure
prohibitive."
- Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-
notebook experience."
- You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing
consciousness."
- You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive
athletic footwear."
- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
- You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're
"going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative
building."

A co-worker sent this around. A couple of weeks before that, I got it from a college buddy. I expect it was making the rounds of the Net...

> 37 politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:
>
> Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
> A few clowns short of a circus.
> A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
> An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
> A few beers short of a six-pack.
> Dumber than a box of hair.
> A few peas short of a casserole.
> Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
> The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
> One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
> One taco short of a combination plate.
> A few feathers short of a whole duck.
> All foam, no beer.
> The cheese slid off his cracker.
> Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
> Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
> Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
> Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
> He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
> An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
> As smart as bait.
> Chimney's clogged.
> Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
> Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
> Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
> Forgot to pay his brain bill.
> Her sewing machine's out of thread.
> His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
> His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
> If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
> Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
> No grain in the silo.
> Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
> Receiver is off the hook.
> Several nuts short of a full pouch.
> Skylight leaks a little.
> Slinky's kinked.
> Surfing in Nebraska.
> Too much yardage between the goal posts.
> In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than
> most................................................

Prep for the 10 Most Common Interview Questions
by Carole Martin

Too many job seekers stumble through interviews as if the questions are coming out of left field. But many interview questions are to be expected. So study this list, plan your answers ahead of time and you'll be ready to deliver them with confidence.

What Are Your Weaknesses?

This is the most dreaded question of all. Handle it by minimizing your weakness and emphasizing your strengths. Stay away from personal qualities and concentrate on professional traits: "I am always working on improving my communication skills to be a more effective presenter. I recently joined Toastmasters, which I find very helpful."

Why Should We Hire You?

Summarize your experiences: "With five years' experience working in the financial industry and my proven record of saving the company money, I could make a big difference in your company. I'm confident I would be a great addition to your team."

Why Do You Want to Work Here?

The interviewer is listening for an answer that indicates you've given this some thought and are not sending out resumes just because there is an opening. For example, "I've selected key companies whose mission statements are in line with my values, where I know I could be excited about what the company does, and this company is very high on my list of desirable choices."

What Are Your Goals?

Sometimes it's best to talk about short-term and intermediate goals rather than locking yourself into the distant future. For example, "My immediate goal is to get a job in a growth-oriented company. My long-term goal will depend on where the company goes. I hope to eventually grow into a position of responsibility."

Why Did You Leave (Are You Leaving) Your Job?

If you're unemployed, state your reason for leaving in a positive context: "I managed to survive two rounds of corporate downsizing, but the third round was a 20 percent reduction in the workforce, which included me."

If you are employed, focus on what you want in your next job: "After two years, I made the decision to look for a company that is team-focused, where I can add my experience."

When Were You Most Satisfied in Your Job?

The interviewer wants to know what motivates you. If you can relate an example of a job or project when you were excited, the interviewer will get an idea of your preferences. "I was very satisfied in my last job, because I worked directly with the customers and their problems; that is an important part of the job for me."

What Can You Do for Us That Other Candidates Can't?

What makes you unique? This will take an assessment of your experiences, skills and traits. Summarize concisely: "I have a unique combination of strong technical skills, and the ability to build strong customer relationships. This allows me to use my knowledge and break down information to be more user-friendly."

What Are Three Positive Things Your Last Boss Would Say About You?

It's time to pull out your old performance appraisals and boss's quotes. This is a great way to brag about yourself through someone else's words: "My boss has told me that I am the best designer he has ever had. He knows he can rely on me, and he likes my sense of humor."

What Salary Are You Seeking?

It is to your advantage if the employer tells you the range first. Prepare by knowing the going rate in your area, and your bottom line or walk-away point. One possible answer would be: "I am sure when the time comes, we can agree on a reasonable amount. In what range do you typically pay someone with my background?"

If You Were an Animal, Which One Would You Want to Be?

Interviewers use this type of psychological question to see if you can think quickly. If you answer "a bunny," you will make a soft, passive impression. If you answer "a lion," you will be seen as aggressive. What type of personality would it take to get the job done? What impression do you want to make?

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

I Hope This Helps...

I would like to thank all the clueless companies who sent me junk e-mail this weekend; I now better understand myself and my needs. At the risk of tripping every other lousy spam trigger on the planet by posting this, I need to tell everyone that I don't need: a worldwide voice-VPN solution, a Simpsons talking beer opener, e- Scooters, a quick way to quit smoking, credit card debt information, monthly income using my computer, anything from Publishers Clearing House, a solution for baldness, easy to install cell phone booster, real estate tips, mortgage quotes, fishing advice, a subscription to Women's Day magazine, Stephen King's latest thriller, hundreds of lenders competing for my loan, Viagra, a merchant account, fresh email addresses on CD, glutathione, a free Dr. Seuss backpack, the best-selling and most- proven All Natural diet, fantastic savings on cartridges, Yoga Journal, an HP Optical Mouse, the loan and car I deserve, to unsubscribe by postal mail, the incredible illuminating pen, or free software from Disney. But if and when I need any of these things, trust me - you'll be the LAST to know.